Life is a struggle

For me life is a struggle, getting out of my own head is a. struggle and sometimes getting out of bed knowing that I've woken up again is a struggle breathing is a struggle for me lying to my friends , family , co workers that I'm fine when deep down I'm struggling is a struggle my name is Dantesia Block and here's my struggle. It all began with my father I hate to even call him that but it is what it is he abused me....tortured me day in and day out through my childhood I can't keep count of all the awful inhuman things he has done. I don't want to focus on my past anymore I wanna move forward I am moving forward. sometimes the people who you want love from are incapable to give it some nights I wonder what it would of been like to have a stable dad in my life besides my step dad some nights I yearn just to hear him say I love you but I know thats something that will never be I have to adjust myself because I have hid for too long and I'm tired of it. I was so emotionally connected for so long it's almost as if I didn't know how to disconnect myself my father being in my life was like being in a burning building using a expired fire extinguisher hoping it would put out the flames every time he hit me is it fucked up for me. to say in some way it made me happy because at least it was some type of attention even if it was the wrong kind. Our relationship was like a dead garden but I watered it constantly thinking maybe just maybe the flowers might re-spout but no such luck I thought something was wrong with me like what made me so unlovable what made me such a disappointment why doesn't he want me or love me and I think I finally figured it out he wasn't capable of love or compassion he's only capable of hurt and anger he kidnapped me in a locked house full of lies and deceit while I thought what's the harm in that it's just how he grew up it's okay I'm okay my father beat me and raped me and has gotten away with it he has gotten away with treating me like a pawn in a chess game but no-one ever called checkmate. How can I trust no-one will leave me I can't but I have to how can I trust what people say to me.. are they trying to kidnap me into a house of lies as well? how can someone love used goods? People say you search for your partners from what u see from your parents I don't date men or women because I like the way my father actin date them so when I hear I love you I think of him maybe having an ounce of regret I thoughtless hope of him saying I love. you to me one day I'm hurt I'm hurting and I'm trying to heal but it's a slow process I'm trying to get better everyday I'm trying not to self destruct in the process but it's always in the back of my mind no matter what I do yes I'm bright I'm pretty I have a future family friends and other support systems that are theyre for me but is that enough? It wasn't last time hopefully next time is different can't help but think people just use me for my body because it's true everyone always changes theyre mind haven't had someone who didn't so why put in the effort if I already know the outcome? scary thing is is that I don't know the outcome there is no certainty anywhere I'm most and confused my heart hurts my soul is crying but my face shows a smile why? I wanna be what I portray the worst part about it is I don't like who I see in the mirror but most people disagree with me maybe if I wasn't so fucked up do I know what it means what it feels like to have a happy spirit a healthy mind .....happy? I don't think I know what is feels like when I'm not depressed but I want to find out and I get what I put my mind too just please be patient with me these things don't happen overnight